FWD: "Deviant" Septum

We all get them. Those dreaded e-mail forwards with miles and miles of address headers. With instructions to "Scroll down. No, scroll down further, idiot." All underscored by dire warnings for you and your household and all generations to come if you are foolish enough to ignore them.

As a general rule, I hate these internet intruders. Delete them unread. Scold the friends who send them. But, once in a while I am tempted to click one open. I am a word whore after all.

Remember this one? English is a crazy language...

In what other language do...

• ... people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
• ... people play at a recital and recite at a play?

And why...

• ... does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
• ... is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

I have always marveled that someone took the time to think about such things and put them in a list to be circulated throughout the reaches of the world wide web. I guess I figured it must be someone who had far more time and far less responsibility than I did. It never occurred to me that the material might have been "lifted" from a reliable source.

Last week during a forage through a favorite used bookstore, I found a thin, yellow paperback written by Richard Lederer. Anguished English, An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon our Language. It is a collection of modern day malapropisms, mangled modifiers, misspellings and mixed up metaphors. I think material from this book and the 30 others he has written may have spawned the electronic multitude of English language missives that march madly through my mailbox.

I read a couple pages every night, and smile myself to sleep.

A few excerpts :

"I have a deviant septum." and "You're in for a shrewd awakening."

"Yoko Ono will talk about her husband, John Lennon, who was killed in an interview with Barbara Walters."

"Running is a unique experience. I thank God for exposing me to the track team."

If you like words at all, I would advise you to find this book. Read it. Paste it to your forehead. If you quote it, don't forget to attribute the fine collection to Richard Lederer. And above all, DO NOT forward it to me.