Google a Malady

Before "Google" became a verb, I admit that I poured over the pages of medical dictionaries with some degree of regularity. I traced my symptoms through the glossy photos and definitions until I was convinced that I was the carrier of some genetic disorder that manifests itself only in the second born of tenth generation rice farmers in the far most corner of Indonesia. Never mind that it was as improbable as Mother Teresa giving birth to Mike Tyson. I could convince myself in a nanosecond that I had it, and I was going to die.

You might assume that the advent of the Internet and its powerful search engines eased my worries. Instead with that much medical information at my fingertips, I have been able to detect signs of scurvy, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, diabetes, and a host of other potentially life threatening illness lurking in the ache of my joints and behind the itch in my eyes.

I found that not only am I a knucklehead, but I am an alphabetically deficient knucklehead.

Trust me. One hates to be deficient in any letter of the alphabet on any day of the week. My deficiency happens to fall in the letter B. More specifically--vitamin B.

Consumption of sugar, white flour products, processed foods (lack nutrients and may contain many additives), conventionally grown produce (lack nutrients and are contaminated with toxins such as pesticides), alcohol, and stress contribute to a vitamin B deficiency.

What does this say about my coffee roll and road rage and me?

Symptoms include:

hypochondria (now THERE is a surprise)
mild to severe depression
vague fears, apprehension, suspicions (who is reading this??)
restlessness (who wants to go to Alaska before dinner?)
fatigue, stomach pains
decreased or increased appetite
craving for sweets
heart palpitations, chest pains
muscular soreness
pain, tingling or achiness
soreness of the mouth
burning or itching eyes
difficulty swallowing, sore throat
headaches, insomnia or sleep disturbances

Of course, this list reminds me of Bill Murray in "What About Bob?" itemizing his maladies to Dr. Leo Marvin: cold sweats, hot sweats, numb lips, fingernail sensitivity, pelvic discomfort...

So my question is: Does the need to eat wheat germ mean that I am getting old? Or could it be I am not the twenty-four year old who once thought that a "Coke and a smile" doth a complete breakfast make?